Greetings plebeians. It is I, the definitive ranker of everything on the planet. Today, we’re ranking the top 5 dorms at Loyola University New Orleans. Out of the thousands, if not five, possible dormitories to choose from when I hand-crafted this elite list, only a select few made the cut.

5. Buddig Hall

Okay, so there was an exorcism here. That gets Buddig a point for being interesting, albeit that this is the only interesting thing. Also, you get a bathroom shared between 4 people instead of 40. But frankly, the lack of windows and natural light, the concrete block beds and the shared long desk instead of personal ones put this dorm in last place. Buddig has more peace and quiet than its fellow freshman dorm, but is that really worth the possibility of being haunted?

4. Founders Hall

Is this a real place? Maroon, please dispatch a team of investigative journalists.

3. Cabra Hall

Cabra is the wild card dorm. It houses less students than the others, and it’s got mixes of singles and doubles in each suite. It doesn’t have certain signature Loyola staples — classroom tile floor, strange smelling used furniture — which might be for the best. Broadway campus is far from most buildings and lacks the bustling nature of the res quad. But for those of you who want to live off campus, this is a nice hybrid between on and off. Also, convenience store across the street equals bonus points.

2. Carrollton Hall

Easily the best dorm for upperclassmen given its proximity to the rest of campus life and its quality of rooms. Although there’s no couch in the living rooms, — just four strangely placed armchairs that look like a therapy session— the carpeting and personal bathroom go a long way. Extra points for the bathroom layout with the toilet stall. Extra points for the three-drawer dresser. Minus a couple points for the lack of closets and the presumption that a small wardrobe makes up for it.

1. Biever Hall

This magical building is so legendary that I cannot sum up my emotions on it in blank verse. Here is a poem.

O, sing in me, muse, and tell me the story

Of that disastrous paradise they call Biever Hall

The fountain of youth, enticing us with forever glory

Dooming young freshman to answer its call

From shower shoes to halls caked in vomit,

We reveled in the bacchanalian festives

Some of us burned out bright like a comet,

Others made it by vomiting what they’d ingested.

And lo! The brick walls that were somehow so thin

Held our most glorious revelry and starry ends

From dorm room parties to pranks, we reveled in sin

And lived side by side with all our friends.

For our freshman antics, we must applaud

Yet with age and wisdom, youth must fall.

But into distant echos, we shall shout across the quad

Biever lives on within us all!