Bloods and Crips. Palestinians and Israelis. New Orleans and Belle Chasse. The struggle between east and west plagues mankind. But the feud between the East and West Banks of New Orleans has become the Grangerford-Shepherdson epic of our time.
Perhaps Eastbankers just aren't brave enough to cross the death wish known as the Huey P. Long Bridge. Or they can't cough up the $1 toll to cross the Crescent City Connection.
But for those of you who can muster the courage to venture into foreign territory, pull up a chair and get to know your unfamiliar neighbors across the river.
Algiers Point
For the car-less Loyola student, Algiers should be familiar, as it is the easiest to reach - taking the Algiers ferry from the Riverwalk at the tip of Canal Street is free for pedestrians. This makes a good starting point for those willing to traipse across the Mississippi River's murky depths.
Algiers Point is less of a suburb of the city and more of a small neighborhood - like Carrollton or the Faubourg Marigny. It's one of the oldest - first settled in 1719, with Victorian-era architecture built after an 1895 fire that destroyed much of the neighborhood.
Algiers Point is also home to the Crown and Anchor (200 Pelican Ave.), touted as New Orleans' only authentic English pub, and Blain Kern's Mardi Gras World (233 Newton St.), where floats go to die at the hands of tourists once they've endured the pains of the parade routes. There's a reason for the considerable distance between you and float decor - the giant sculptures from Carnivals of yore are more disturbing than whimsical. But be their guest - they provide daily tours with free king cake and coffee. Not a bad start.
DiMartino's 1788 Carol Sue Ave. Gretna
The DiMartino roast beef po-boy is legendary. Their homemade gravy smothers layers of sliced roast beef heaped on French bread. Gretna residents swear it's the best in the west. But to Pete DiMartino, that roast beef po-boy - the restaurant's best-selling item - is just a sandwich.
"A roast beef is a roast beef is a roast beef - across the country," DiMartino said.
"But when you eat a muffaletta, it explodes in your mouth. It's powerful. It's not like regular food."
The muffaletta, he said, is the best regional sandwich in the country.
The sandwich, delicately hand-layered traditional Italian meats and cheeses in a massive rounded loaf with an olive salad dressing, made its debut in the French Quarter at the turn of the century. Italian street vendors looking for a quick buck assembled the sandwich and, ta-da, the legend was born.
Central Grocery on Decatur Street may boast as the home of the muffaletta, but deciding the better sandwich comes down to the ultimate question: To heat or not to heat?
Those Italian street vendors sold a hot sandwich, so in sticking to the original, DiMartino heats his, too. As for Central Grocery? Cold.
Opening his restaurant in 1975, DiMartino comes from a family that's serious about food. His grandfather sold meat, his mother sold produce and his father sold fish. His menu includes tons of New Orleans favorites, but DiMartino holds a special place for his muffaletta.
"When you want it," he said, "you want it."
Easy Dogs 307 Huey P. Long Ave. Gretna
One bite of this dog and you'll feel ashamed for having named Lucky Dog the real New Orleans hot dog.
Todd Schaffer's Easy Dog is an all-beef Nathan's hot dog cooked in crab boil and served on a toasted bun with a homemade remoulade-like special sauce. But that's just the tip of the chili-smothered iceberg.
Schaffer also slings out original New Orleans creations like the Lundi Dog - topped with red beans and rice - and the Turducken Dog - a frank filled with turkey, duck and chicken, topped with gravy, and of course, cranberry sauce.
"It's like Thanksgiving on a bun," Schaffer said.
Schaffer, a former schoolteacher from Atlanta, opened the restaurant with his business partner - his mother, Alice Schaffer - in October 2006, hoping to breathe new life into the gastronomic sphere of post-Katrina New Orleans.
Schaffer also makes vegetarian dogs, cooked just like the original any way you want it - even smothered with their own vegetarian chili.
Other menu items include half pound Angus beef burgers and veggie-friendly patties, french fries cooked in a greaseless fryer, salads and a classic Southern heart attack - the Frito pie.
Schaffer also hosts "Let's Make a Wheel of Bingo," a new spin on the pub quiz, Friday nights, with a more adult-rated version Saturday nights.
One wonders why Easy Dogs isn't pulling at the heartstrings of every college student across the city (did I mention its fully-stocked bar?). At least not yet.
Gretna Farmers Market 301 Huey P. Long Ave. btwn. 3rd and 4th Streets Gretna
Old Gretna has survived 50 or so years of urban development. Either that or we're all experiencing a collective Marty McFly moment.
Despite your affinity for waking up late on weekends, a trip to the farmers market gives you a chance to explore Old Gretna, including nearby coffee shops and the tourism center just down the block.
Nestled in the heart of Old Gretna at the Old Train Depot, under an awning spanning the center of the street much like the French Market on Decatur Street, the market welcomes more than 30 vendors every Saturday from 8:30 a.m to 12:30 p.m., rain or shine.
The market features fresh produce, flowers, meats and cheeses, handmade crafts and ready-to-eat meals. Portera's Panetteria, Kathy's Creamery and Baxter's Bakery are just a few of the vendors - apart from having clever alliterative titles - that make weekly appearances.
Major Video 400 Lapalco Blvd. Gretna
In the world of DVD, the VHS cassette tape is a dying breed. The "modified to fit your screen" format is routinely pinned against the firing squad of Netflix-High-Definition-BlueRay-quadruple-disc technology.
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