Bloods and Crips. Palestinians and Israelis. New Orleans and Belle Chasse. The struggle between east and west plagues mankind. But the feud between the East and West Banks of New Orleans has become the Grangerford-Shepherdson epic of our time.
Perhaps Eastbankers just aren't brave enough to cross the death wish known as the Huey P. Long Bridge. Or they can't cough up the $1 toll to cross the Crescent City Connection.
But for those of you who can muster the courage to venture into foreign territory, pull up a chair and get to know your unfamiliar neighbors across the river.
Algiers Point
For the car-less Loyola student, Algiers should be familiar, as it is the easiest to reach - taking the Algiers ferry from the Riverwalk at the tip of Canal Street is free for pedestrians. This makes a good starting point for those willing to traipse across the Mississippi River's murky depths.
Algiers Point is less of a suburb of the city and more of a small neighborhood - like Carrollton or the Faubourg Marigny. It's one of the oldest - first settled in 1719, with Victorian-era architecture built after an 1895 fire that destroyed much of the neighborhood.
Algiers Point is also home to the Crown and Anchor (200 Pelican Ave.), touted as New Orleans' only authentic English pub, and Blain Kern's Mardi Gras World (233 Newton St.), where floats go to die at the hands of tourists once they've endured the pains of the parade routes. There's a reason for the considerable distance between you and float decor - the giant sculptures from Carnivals of yore are more disturbing than whimsical. But be their guest - they provide daily tours with free king cake and coffee. Not a bad start.
DiMartino's 1788 Carol Sue Ave. Gretna
The DiMartino roast beef po-boy is legendary. Their homemade gravy smothers layers of sliced roast beef heaped on French bread. Gretna residents swear it's the best in the west. But to Pete DiMartino, that roast beef po-boy - the restaurant's best-selling item - is just a sandwich.
"A roast beef is a roast beef is a roast beef - across the country," DiMartino said.
"But when you eat a muffaletta, it explodes in your mouth. It's powerful. It's not like regular food."
The muffaletta, he said, is the best regional sandwich in the country.
The sandwich, delicately hand-layered traditional Italian meats and cheeses in a massive rounded loaf with an olive salad dressing, made its debut in the French Quarter at the turn of the century. Italian street vendors looking for a quick buck assembled the sandwich and, ta-da, the legend was born.
Central Grocery on Decatur Street may boast as the home of the muffaletta, but deciding the better sandwich comes down to the ultimate question: To heat or not to heat?
Those Italian street vendors sold a hot sandwich, so in sticking to the original, DiMartino heats his, too. As for Central Grocery? Cold.
Opening his restaurant in 1975, DiMartino comes from a family that's serious about food. His grandfather sold meat, his mother sold produce and his father sold fish. His menu includes tons of New Orleans favorites, but DiMartino holds a special place for his muffaletta.
"When you want it," he said, "you want it."
Easy Dogs 307 Huey P. Long Ave. Gretna
One bite of this dog and you'll feel ashamed for having named Lucky Dog the real New Orleans hot dog.
Todd Schaffer's Easy Dog is an all-beef Nathan's hot dog cooked in crab boil and served on a toasted bun with a homemade remoulade-like special sauce. But that's just the tip of the chili-smothered iceberg.
Schaffer also slings out original New Orleans creations like the Lundi Dog - topped with red beans and rice - and the Turducken Dog - a frank filled with turkey, duck and chicken, topped with gravy, and of course, cranberry sauce.
"It's like Thanksgiving on a bun," Schaffer said.
Schaffer, a former schoolteacher from Atlanta, opened the restaurant with his business partner - his mother, Alice Schaffer - in October 2006, hoping to breathe new life into the gastronomic sphere of post-Katrina New Orleans.
Schaffer also makes vegetarian dogs, cooked just like the original any way you want it - even smothered with their own vegetarian chili.
Other menu items include half pound Angus beef burgers and veggie-friendly patties, french fries cooked in a greaseless fryer, salads and a classic Southern heart attack - the Frito pie.
Schaffer also hosts "Let's Make a Wheel of Bingo," a new spin on the pub quiz, Friday nights, with a more adult-rated version Saturday nights.
One wonders why Easy Dogs isn't pulling at the heartstrings of every college student across the city (did I mention its fully-stocked bar?). At least not yet.
Gretna Farmers Market 301 Huey P. Long Ave. btwn. 3rd and 4th Streets Gretna
Old Gretna has survived 50 or so years of urban development. Either that or we're all experiencing a collective Marty McFly moment.
Despite your affinity for waking up late on weekends, a trip to the farmers market gives you a chance to explore Old Gretna, including nearby coffee shops and the tourism center just down the block.
Nestled in the heart of Old Gretna at the Old Train Depot, under an awning spanning the center of the street much like the French Market on Decatur Street, the market welcomes more than 30 vendors every Saturday from 8:30 a.m to 12:30 p.m., rain or shine.
The market features fresh produce, flowers, meats and cheeses, handmade crafts and ready-to-eat meals. Portera's Panetteria, Kathy's Creamery and Baxter's Bakery are just a few of the vendors - apart from having clever alliterative titles - that make weekly appearances.
Major Video 400 Lapalco Blvd. Gretna
In the world of DVD, the VHS cassette tape is a dying breed. The "modified to fit your screen" format is routinely pinned against the firing squad of Netflix-High-Definition-BlueRay-quadruple-disc technology.
Consider Major Video a sanctuary for the abandoned format. With no plans to consolidate its huge inventory of tapes, it may be the last beacon of hope for those clinging for life to their VCR.
Where else can you find such lost treasures as "Dolemite II: The Human Tornado" and "Dragonworld?" As DVD bigwigs ignore these and other footnotes of cinematic history as part of their oppressive regime, these tapes may not live to see their names on a digital marquee. Major Video is this close to receiving the Nobel Prize for this humanitarian effort and the lives it saves.
Oh, and it also carries a wide selection of adult videos.
Mo's Pizza 1112 Ave H Westwego
With his hulking gray building standing tall over an orange racing-striped trailer, hand-painted "Pizza" and "Snoballs" sign sticking from its side like a traveling circus, Jeff Arcemont's father literally overshadowed his son's success.
Parking a double-wide directly across the street from his father's automobile repair shop, the ambitious, freshly-graduated Arcemont tried his hand as a restauranteur.
But business was good - too good. Arcemont later took control of his father's building, turning it into Mo's.
According to manager Lance Reine, customers in 25 states hail Moe's pizza as the best, with dedicated followers in California, Kentucky and New York.
If you ask for a slice of Mo's pizza, you get two. Its large pizza, advertised at 16 inches, expands to more than 20. It's obvious these pizzas have superpowers.
Mo's hand-tossed pizzas are made to order and fired in ovens just behind the counter. Each slice blends a perfect balance of cheese, dough and sauce - it's no wonder the forces of nature spared Mo's from its wrath.
After surviving an immense fire and Hurricane Katrina, Mo's is a superhero among pizza places. Two days after the storm, Mo's opened up and fed police, first responders and anyone looking for a bite. Proceeds from the annual Mo's Pizza Fest benefit the Westwego fire and police departments. All Mo's needs now is a cape and some flashy boots.
Nine Roses 1100 Stephens St Gretna
Pho - Vietnamese for "awesome," obviously - spoils the city rotten when it comes to Vietnamese food. The rice-noodle soup blends seasoned broth with various meats, vegetables and garnishes, gathering rabid following in the New Orleans area.
From the legendary pre-Katrina dynasty of Pho Tau Bay -with locations spanning across the metropolitan area - New Orleans is rife with choices for pho and other Vietnamese dishes.
The Westbank is no exception.
Pho Bang, Tan Dinh and, of course, Pho Tau Bay are just a few of the restaurants gracing the Westbank's fertile Vietnamese cuisine landscape.
But just on the edge of the Westbank Expressway one may find Nine Roses, whose endless menu reads like a choose-you-own-adventure novel, and the food's presentation is more do-it-yourself than knife-and-fork.
With hundreds of things to choose from - not just pho, for which many would search the end of the earth to find the perfect bowl - one could spend months with the menu, from off-the-wall jellyfish salads and beef fondues to more subtle vegetarian summer rolls and noodle dishes.
Terrytown Cafe and Donuts 2018 Carol Sue Ave. Gretna
A history lesson: Paul Kaplow, a real estate developer, had two lovely daughters - Terry and Carol Sue. When he broke ground for a future Westbank neighborhood in 1960, he named it Terrytown.
As for the street intersecting Terry Parkway, he named it Carol Sue. We can assume Kaplow had a favorite.
40-something years later, the favorite sister still haunts Carol Sue (the person, not the street), slapping the town's namesake on Terrytown Cafe and Donuts - on Carol Sue's street - forever reminding her that, well, father knows best. For poor Carol Sue, this cafe is open 24/7.
Anything open 24 hours is a haven for college students - whether it's for late-night binge eating or drinking.
And when you're craving cheap coffee, cheap donuts and the company of Jefferson Parish's finest, Terrytown Cafe and Donuts is for you.
When you've exhausted your midnight snacking adventures in the university area, take the 15-minute trip across the river. And who knows, you may make it time to see the sun rise over the Crescent City Connection. Just remember to keep an extra dollar handy for the toll, or you'll be hanging with Jefferson Parish's finest in a less cozy setting.
Alex Woodward can be reached at adwoodwa@loyno.edu.
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