Column: Don’t worry you will make it through finals
Published: Thursday, December 5, 2013
Updated: Friday, December 6, 2013 17:12
I have no pity for anyone during finals week. I realize we all spent the first half of this semester watching Breaking Bad and the second half recovering from what happened to Gustavo’s face. Now, when you finally crack open that meth book, only to find that science is an exact science, and you realize thatyou haven’t exactly been paying attention in class.
Cry me a swimming pool with exploding planes overhead.
Hate yourself? Make a lavish breakfast for your family. Breakfast is the most important meal of your brain — even if your turkey bacon isn’t “bacon” enough for what’s-his-face, and your wife knows your efforts in the kitchen are only a sheepish cover-up for something bad you probably did.
So you’re only now learning that Georgia O’Keefe paints more than vagina flowers, and that chemicals undergo reactions — not just in moving vans. Of course you’re stressed. You brought this on yourself.
Solution: Funyuns. Why? Funyuns are awesome. Have three bags of Funyuns for breakfast, and hydrate with H20 — don’t die in the desert!
Because a great teacher once told me that it’s, “Fear that’s the real enemy. So, get up, get out into the real world, and kick that bastard as hard as you can right in the teeth.” Walter White had cancer, and not the metaphorical kind—it was fictional, but still really bad."
He also told Jesse Pinkman that, “sitting around, smoking marijuana, eating Cheetos and masturbating do not constitute ‘plans’”— nor does it mesh with Jesuit values. So get off Facebook! Use critical thinking—eat Funyuns, not Cheetos.
Young anti-heroes like us cannot waste our precious days regretting the failed business ventures of the past. We always learn weeks too late that listening to the lectures was not enough, but really — were you even listening?
No, and now you have to make an entirely new handcrafted wooden box. There’s a life lesson in this. You slacked off, and you did it for you. You liked it. You were good at it.
You were alive.
But, you must never give up control. A man provides. It’s crystal clear what must be done, the hours and precision required to attain perfection: 99.1 percent purity. Even Darth Vader had responsibilities.
You just have to believe in yourself.
ChaCha Murdick, A’13, can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org